Remedial Rudimentary Sex Principles
by oneofthemuses
Summary: Written for badsexfest on LJ, people prompted 'bad sex' - sex that was realistic because it was uncomfortable or awkward or genuinely bad. I discovered I am terrible at writing 'bad sex' even though I think it's important to acknowledge less-than-perfect sex as realistic and normal! So, basically, Jeff and Annie have bad sex.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Written for **badsexfest** (open until the end of June, go fill!), the prompt was "Jeff prematurely ejaculates and forgets to pull out." The original version (unedited and slightly short) is here.

**A/N:** I think portraying realistic sex is important (so important!) but I am no good at writing it - still, I tried my best! I tend to want to write a happy ending (not the sex kind, though, hey, that too) so I don't think I devolve into awkwardness and logistics and discomfort enough but maybe this still works?

* * *

She's giving him a blowjob and it's actually pretty fantastic. Seriously, he doesn't know what she did with Vaughan or how many guys she dated in-between but Jeff is blown away, all puns aside, by Annie's oral capabilities. Her mouth is like a fucking Hoover vac but gentler. Theoretically, because it's not like he would know for sure.

It's with great disappointment that he detaches her from his cock and manoeuvres her onto her back knowing that if he doesn't get inside her, he's going to come in her mouth and he'll be down for the night. Literally. He's 34 and despite the giant fucking multivitamin he takes every morning, he can't do a fucking marathon. Again, literally.

This isn't the most ideal of circumstances for them to be screwing under but really, it couldn't be helped. Given that it was the middle of the day and he was only on campus to pick up his transcripts and Annie had class in twenty minutes... The supply closet is surprisingly clean, it's well-lit, and it has a flat surface that isn't the floor so it doesn't get much better than that. Maybe they don't have a condom but that's why God invented the pull out method. Or asshole cavemen did, whatever. Having sex with Annie has been such a long time coming that Jeff's not going to complain and, apparently, neither is Annie because as soon as Jeff pushes in, she moans.

He's desperately thankful that she's wet enough that he just slides in because he doesn't carry lube around with him (he makes a mental note to change that) but his fingers go straight to her clit anyway. He applies pressure, flicking the bundle of nerves frantically, as he draws his hips back and pushes in again. Annie's hips move up to meet his but he's pretty certain she's a little ways off of her orgasm which sucks because he most definitely isn't.

His fears are confirmed about fifteen seconds later when she tightens around him unexpectedly and he comes. Without pulling out. He closes his eyes as he rides out his orgasm. He hasn't had to deal with arriving early since he was 17 (which is a lie he likes telling himself) but even then, he was wearing a condom. When he finally stops shuddering and he's softened inside of her, he opens his eyes and pulls out, making eye contact with Annie.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. If anything, you know... Happens..." He doesn't think he's been this awkward with a woman after sex in years. He's pretty grateful when she takes pity on him and responds even if she is snarkier than he appreciates in his post-coital state.

"I'm on the pill, Jeff!" She rolls her eyes hard enough that he's a little offended. "Could you at least finish me off?" He winces, forgetting about his offended pride for a minute.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that. I was _not_ prepared for that kind of bj." She smiles as she pulls him down into a kiss. "So, next time, maybe we talk first, yeah?" She pushes his head downward teasingly instead of answering and he figures she's got a point so he puts his hands and mouth to much better use than talking.

He takes it as a compliment that low moans and heavy pants are the only audible sounds that follow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** Written for **badsexfest** (open until the end of June, go fill!), the prompt was, essentially, "Annie considers her highschool boyfriend to have 'gotten the hard stuff out of the way', however 2 years without sex combined with Annie-levels of anxiety make her first time with Jeff an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience." The original version (unedited and slightly short) is here.

**A/N:** Here's the thing, given the specificity of the prompt, I have to assume it's set in S3. But to me, this is S1 Annie. I just _can't_ imagine that she didn't have sex with Vaughn and that she hasn't been dating off-screen. I also think that after two years of living over Dildopolis and hanging out with Britta and Jeff, she's more comfortable with sex. That's what the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, A Fist Full of Paintballs and a few other episodes seemed to imply to me. Nonetheless, I thought it was cool because Annie can still be neurotic and Type A and a little bit high strung and that's essentially what she is here. I hope it doesn't sound like Jeff is sooooo much more experienced and wiser than she is because I hate that trope post-S2.

* * *

She's overjoyed to be here, right now, with him, doing this. It. Doing _it_. Which is why she's sort of confused as to why it's so uncomfortable and, okay, she'll just throw it out there, yeah. It's painful. And it sucks.

She hears him grunt and she pats his shoulder soothingly.

Her hips are starting to feel kind of stiff and it feels like the first time she tried to put a tampon in. It was such an awful experience. There had been blood and… She blinks the memory away and shifts, hoping that will help. God, it actually burns whenever he pulls out.

It's not her first time having sex! She's _done_ this before. And according to Cosmo and Harlequin, sex is supposed to be fun and playful. Assuming you're not a virgin. Which, to reiterate, she is most certainly not. But she's mostly just lying here and biting her tongue against the discomfort anyway.

She did a lot of things wrong with her gay ex-boyfriend but she really thought sex hadn't been one of them. She'd been so sure this would be easy. It's Jeff, after all. They both knew what they're doing! But this, this is not fun. And she really doesn't know how to make it better. A sudden stinging sensation forces her to turn a low cry into a moan and she sincerely hopes Jeff can't tell.

She tenses in worry anyway, desperately trying to reassure herself that Jeff probably can't tell fake moans from real ones because, if this is what sex is like… Or maybe it's just sex with Jeff? There's no way he'd know what real moans sound like then... Granted, Annie doesn't really _know _how to fake a moan since she's never, you know. But that is all beside the point, damnit!

Despite her fervent wishing, Jeff suddenly pipes up, voice concerned, and Annie carefully modulates her breathing because hyperventilating is decidedly _unsexy_.

"Annie. Annie." She looks at him with a start and he makes sure he has her attention before he continues. "This isn't fun." She can't help the gasp that emerges either because, well, that's just mean! "Shit. I meant." He sighs and stares at her, holding himself motionless between her thighs. "This is hurting you and I can tell because I called your name four times before you noticed which means you're not into this." She drops eye contact, preferring to examine his pretty slate grey sheets.

He slowly pulls out and Annie does her absolute best not to wince but doesn't quite manage it because that hurt. A lot. It feels like her vagina has been split or stretched, the sharp stinging morphing into more of a prickly ache now. Beside her, Jeff flops onto his back and reaches out to tug her closer.

"So. Let's... Talk?" She stares at him silently. "Uh, I'll start, I guess? I really like you, Annie, and-" She doesn't let him finish that sentence, scared of what it means.

"Why wasn't it fun?" The bewildered expression on his face would be funny if it wasn't, you know, the middle of their first time having sex.

"Annie, it was hurting you. If you're into that, it's cool but it didn't look like you were enjoying it." She studies him silently and decides he looks genuine.

"Were _you_ not enjoying yourself?" Her words are purposefully careful.

"I would've gotten off, eventually, if that's what you mean but it's not really fun for me either when you're crying underneath me."

"I wasn't crying!" His eyebrows rise in wonder and it takes a while before he responds.

"Annie, I wiped tears off your face!" She pauses at his whisper-yell. Oh, so that's what tipped him off.

"Oh." She snuggles into him. "It was supposed to be fun. I read Cosmo. After the first time, it's not supposed to hurt." She looks at him. "But I don't really have all those... Skills they talk about so I don't know if maybe I was supposed to-" He's the one who cuts _her_ off this time.

"Here's the thing, Annie, nobody has all those skills or whatever unless they practice. A lot. And... Wait. After the first time?" She widens her eyes and wonders, just for a second, if she can play it off. She sighs when she looks at his face and concedes that she can't.

"Um. Yeah?" His head drops back on to the pillow at her hesitant answer.

"Okay. So. You've only had sex once." She nods. "And you read Cosmo before this? As research?" She nods again. "Okay. Okay." He's nodding but it looks like he's mostly talking to himself. "This makes more sense."

He looks down at her and the affection on his face makes Annie feel both better and worse at the same time.

"Why don't we just… Take it easy? I think... Having... Penetrative sex is probably out tonight." She eyes him uncertainly as he haltingly explains. "I don't… I haven't really had a lot of experience with this?" His voices rises at the end as if he's asking a question but he doesn't wait for an answer. "But maybe we can just… I don't know, I can go down on you and… We can figure out the sex-sex later?"

She considers his proposition. Her _stuff_… It still hurts and she _cried_ during sex but Jeff is still here and he still wants her. It takes a few deep breaths and some internal pep talks but she pushes him onto his back and climbs on top. The idea of him touching her down there is unwelcome, at least until the ache subsides, but in the meantime maybe she can get acquainted with _his_ downstairs.

Know thy enemy, right?

"I was scared." The words pop out and she wishes she could take them back immediately. Jeff's hand come up to gently grip her thighs and it grounds her. "I mean, I thought I had gotten the, you know, _hard part_ out of the way already."

"Yeah, so, it doesn't work that way. Shit, Annie, I wasn't…" He blanches like he can't believe he's about to say his next words. "I sucked at sex, okay? Until I was like 21, and even then, it's not like I was _good _at it. I was just less sucky." He looks at her, sitting astride him, and grins up at her. "I like you like this. It's a really good view." She blushes and hides her smile behind a curtain of hair. "And obviously, I'm still not that good at sex because you didn't enjoy any of it, so… Maybe we can figure this out together? Slowly."

She leans down to kiss him and her thighs feel sticky and her hair keeps getting in the way but Annie is having more fun during sex than she was twenty minutes ago so she calls it a win.


End file.
